about prayer & your whole freakin life changing...

the few notes i took from dr. m_'s talk at s___ a few weeks back:

• The general topic being addressed at the Friday morning presentation was "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Refugees."
• The regular staff there at S__ presented 3 "typical" cases. One of these was the story of a man whose chief complaint was a hurt knee. The man's knee had become injured when he jumped from a truck of men that had been rounded up to be tortured & killed.
• The general question being posed was; 'how do we deal with the deeper spiritual pain & trauma when patients are coming to us with manifestations of it that are coming out physically?' (Some of the patients have very severe pain that can't be explained medically, but are unwilling or unable to talk about the emotional or spiritual roots of the problem)
• Dr. M__ first asked; "How do you at Siloam prepare yourselves each day to deal with this? He went on to talk about soaking in the love of Christ every morning for ourselves so that we can have something to give. (It's only as we are loved...)
• He then said; "We want to tell them; 'Just because you made a mistake, it doesn't mean you are a mistake. God doesn't know you by your history, but He knows you by your destiny.'
• Many of these people have a condition called alexithymia (? maybe? something about a lack of words for emotional issues) - in childhood or these traumatic situations when they have expressed pain, they have been ignored or shamed. Because of this they don't deal in the emotional realm - they can only express pain in physical terms - they have so many levels of defense, it's hard to get down to what is really going on. It takes a while to know they can trust you & get down to the real issues. (Many patients are afraid that if they talk about the horror/abuse that happened in their home country that they will be deported or "turned in." - They have to be assured that the staff is not going to send them back - doesn't even have the power to and has no desire to.)
• Somebody there expressed some frustration at this point and said; "It's hard when we have so little time with them; I mean, how much can you do in 15 minutes with these people who have been so badly hurt?" Dr. M__ responded with; "15 minutes with you, Peace, and the Spirit of God can do more than you know!" and added "I love it when people let God do the healing. We are there to tell the truth; there is one who can save, heal & deliver!
• The enemy has been telling them lies from the beginning; "You'll never be safe - you'll never have peace - and even when you DO get hurt, it's your own fault - you deserve it anyway." We are here to tell them; "You're here for a purpose: God brought you here, and when you're ready, the healing will come. Even you thinking about this is a sign that you're getting ready...."
• Then the discussion turned to the practical realm of the clinical/available approaches for PTSD (when the patient comes to the place where they are ready to talk about it):
  1. The regular PTSD Therapy. (When asked; "how important is it that the person providing this therapy be a believer?" Dr. M__ responded; "that falls under general blessing; it's pretty straightforward, so you want someone who is skilled in it - not necessarily a believer.") On the other hand;
  2. SOZO/Inner Healing Prayer (Salvation Healing or Deliverance). This second approach WOULD require the people leading the patient through this to be lead themselves by the Holy Spirit. In this method, 2-3 people are trained to go through this with 1 person (patient).
• The jist of it, as Dr. M__ described it, was that these 2-3 people are there to help the person get down to the root lies that Satan has been telling them, to speak God's truth into that, and to invite Jesus to come in and to heal. It's "inviting them to participate in their own healing." Mostly it's about letting Jesus do the healing, though. It's not super-complicated, but very effective. When people feel forgiven, they are free to FORGIVE, which releases so much!
• Even PTSD counselors will tell their patients; "Forgiving is optional - it's nice, but it's not crucial." Dr. M__ disagrees - he says; "when people start being able to forgive, then they experience all kinds of freedom - that's when you see people not needing their medications anymore - it's so powerful!"
• He talked about the importance of both of these methods being used in tandem, and added; "counseling is good, but Inner Healing Prayer can go even deeper!

so just a little on my thoughts afterwards; i was so excited! i would LOVE to be part of this. partly on a purely selfish level - (who doesn't want more healing?), and then also to be able to participate with the healing of others. it is amazing to think of the combination of two things i feel so passionate about; counseling & prayer. the thought of God using my skills & desires NOW, in a simple and humble setting, instead of having to wait for 5 or 6 years down the road when i've finally got a counseling degree is just...awesome. i don't know if He WILL call me into this or not, but it is such a hopeful thing to realize that He can do unexpected and delightful things with my life. and i'm out...

there's a story

if you haven't already heard the story about prayer & me, just ask me. i think it's pretty amazing. what i can say here, though, is that the image of Jesus as our older brother (Romans 8:29 "For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." and Hebrews 2:11 "For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers.") has been a powerful picture. I have trouble sometimes with the picture (although it is beautiful) of God as my father... lots of confusion around that one. but Jesus as my older brother is...! here's what it shows me; he is not have unloving & unattainable goals for me. he's been everywhere i have. he's not 'lording over me' but he loves to have me around. he's a protector (sibling's were the protectors in my family growing up). he is beside me but has gone before me and tested the waters, so when he calls me out to come play with him in the deep - he's aware of my fear, my limitations, but also knows that i can DO it! he does not condemn me. does anyone else hear how RADICAL this is? i do not condemn me, because he does not condemn me. thankful for the love of earthly brothers that prepared the way for me to accept the love of Christ in a life-altering kind of way. thankful for healing... thankful that i do not ever have to be alone again.

so what should i pick up but bonhoeffer...

so i picked up a book off my cousin's bookshelf the other day. 'life together' by dietrich bonhoeffer. start reading through the intro and on page 8 stumble across; "when Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die." i'm only 50 pages in right now, but have already read so much that makes me wish i could sit down with someone else whose reading it and ask what they think about some of these things....some of the highlights so far; (picture below is...you guessed it...dietrich b.)

• re: motives for community (pg 17): it is not simply to be taken for granted that the christian has the privilege of living among other christians. Jesus Christ lived in the midst of his enemies. at the end all his disciples deserted him. on the cross he was utterly alone, surrounded by evildoers & mockers. for this cause he had come, to bring peace to the enemies of God. so the christian, too, belongs not in seclusion of a cloistered life but in the thick of foes. there is his commission, his work. "the Kingdom is to be in the midst of your enemies. and he who will not suffer this does not want to be of the Kingdom of Christ; he wants to be among friends, to sit among roses and lilies, not with bad people, but the devout people. o you blasphemers and betrayers of Christ! if Christ had done what you are doing who would ever have been spared?" (Luther). (how does that apply to us here in east nashville? surely i do this all the time - strive to sit exclusively among all you roses & lilies...) and yet...(pg 19): the physical presence of other christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer...the believer feels no shame, as though he were still living too much in the flesh, when he yearns for the physical presence of other christians...the prisoner, the sick person, the christian in exile sees in the companionship of a fellow christian a physical sign of the gracious presence of the triune God.

• re: our new reality (pg 22): first the christian is the man who no longer seeks his salvation, his deliverance, his justification in himself, but in Jesus Christ alone. he knows that God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him guilty, even when he does not feel his guilt (italics mine), and God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him not guilty and righteous, even when he does not feel that he is righteous at all (again, italics mine). the christian no longer lives of himself, by his own claims and his own justification, but by God's claims and God's justification. he lives wholly by God's Word pronounced upon him, whether that Word declares him guilty or innocent. (1 Corinthians 4:3, paul writes; "i care very little if i am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, i do not even judge myself." - how unatural! to be freed from your own opinion of yourself and to let Jesus/the Word be the only judgement that you listen to. not easy though - as it is not a less serious judgement - it is MORE serious - but because of Jesus' blood & righteousness, there is not longer any condemnation... is anyone else feeling a little confused?)

• re: why we need one another (pg 22): therefore, the christian needs another christian who speaks God's Word to him. he needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth. he needs his brother man as a bearer and proclaimer of the divine word of salvation. he needs his brother soley because of Jesus Christ. the Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother's is sure. (why it is not always enough for me to preach the gospel to myself....)

• re: ideal vs. divine reality (pg 26): (this whole section is amazing - here's a snip); just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves. (reminds me of many of craig's sermons...)

• re: spiritual vs human reality (pg 31): (another excellent read); human love has little regard for truth. it makes the truth relative, since nothing, not even the truth, must come between it and the beloved person. human love desires the other person, his company, his answering love, but it does not serve him. on the contrary, it continues to desire even when it seems to be serving...but where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short-namely, in the face of an enemy. there is turns to hatred, contempt, and calumny (had to look this up; slander; defamation). right here is the point where spiritual love begins. this is whey human love becomes personal hatred when it encounters genuine spiritual love, which does not desire but serves...spiritual love, however, comes from Jesus Christ, it serves him alone; it knows that it has no immediate access to other persons. (again - mine) Jesus Christ stands between the lover and the others he loves... (picture this - it's a wild image, especially if you start looking at your regular daily interactions with the people around you) ...because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother. it originates neither in the brother nor in the enemy but in Christ and his Word...(pg 39); through him alone do we have access to one another, joy in one another, and fellowship with one another.

that is just the beginning... far to much i realize now; as i read i'm tempted to type the whole book (122 pgs) on my blog. that is just too much. and probably a violation of some copyright laws to boot. has anyone read this recently? let me know. lunchtime over & now back to work. ciao!

birthday tea

oops, i forgot to post some picture of my fabulous birthday tea part. thanks to punky & cwog & kp & jina & andrea, it was an entertaining & tasty time... didn't they set an amazing spread? it made turning 36 downright fun. : )

if i'm lucky, before 10...

the people who know me best are not at ALL surprised that this is one of my favorite poems. (but if you do commit to slog all the way through it, do yourself a favor and read it out loud -it's so much better that way):

the sleep

Of all the thoughts of God that are
Borne inward unto souls afar,
Along the Psalmist's music deep,
Now tell me if that any is,
For gift or grace, surpassing this--
'He giveth His beloved, sleep'!

What would we give to our beloved?
The hero's heart to be unmoved,
The poet's star-tuned harp, to sweep,
The patriot's voice, to teach and rouse,
The monarch's crown, to light the brows?
'He giveth His beloved sleep.'

What do we give to our beloved?
A little faith all undisproved,
A little dust to overweep,
And bitter memories to make
The whole earth blasted for our sake.
He giveth His beloved sleep.

"Sleep soft, beloved!" we sometimes say,
But have no tune to charm away
Sad dreams that through the eyelids creep.
But never doleful dream again
Shall break the happy slumber when
He giveth His beloved sleep.

O earth, so full of dreary noises!
O men, with wailing in your voices!
O delvèd gold, the wailers heap!
O strife, O curse, that o'er it fall!
God strikes a silence through you all,
He giveth His beloved sleep.

His dews drop mutely on the hill;
His cloud above it saileth still,
Though on its slope men sow and reap.
More softly than the dew is shed,
Or cloud is floated overhead,
He giveth His beloved sleep.

Ay, men may wonder while they scan
A living, thinking, feeling man,
Confirmed in such a rest to keep;
But angels say, and through the word
I think their happy smile is heard,--
'He giveth His beloved sleep.'

For me, my heart that erst did go
Most like a tired child at a show,
That sees through tears the mummers leap,
Would now its wearied vision close,
Would childlike on His love repose,
Who giveth His beloved sleep.

And, friends, dear friends,--when it shall be
That this low breath is gone from me,
And round my bier ye come to weep,
Let one, most loving of you all,
Say, "Not a tear must o'er her fall--
'He giveth His beloved sleep.'"

(okay, love the poem, except the part about being all stoic at a funeral. I just don't think so...if you come to mine someday though, just know i am a happy, happy girl...finally catching up on some of that guiltless, untroubled rest...zzzzzzzzz)

long, long way

small town poets have a song called long, long way. i sing it like a prayer sometimes... for myself and for the people in my life who, like me, are so very very much a long long way away, and yet not that far at all from the one who loves them.




(jina i miss you and i stole this flower from you - i'll replace it when you come home and help me find a new pic)






This is the hard part
Stopping to ask for directions
Sketching with these dirty colors just where I am

You might have heard me
Artfully dodging the buzz words
Scoffing at your insinuation
Of just where I am

I'm a long long way
From where I left to begin this refrain
From where Your mercy and grace remain
From where you sit is it true
It's not that far to You

It happened slowly
Feet falling hard on the pavement
Eyes reaching into the distance
Toward empty sunsets

Didn't I need to break out, want to be king
Wouldn't I face the gallows if I return
Or is a man freely pardoned
As I have heard

Precious Jesus
Where can I flee from Your Spirit
You know me too well.

i want a blog that doesn't sound like me

speaking of 'dying to self' - i just read the last post, and thought; sheesh, why can't this blog to be less serious and dramatic and...intentional. (& why can't it just be hilarious like Linda's blog)... then i just laughed, because i AM all of those things and i don't always like that. dying to self. letting God take who i really am (not who i wish i was) and doing whatever....He....wants. (but what if He wants me to be MORE serious and dramatic and hokey?). what do i really believe about who God is, right? my fear exposes that i don't make Him out to be all that swell or powerful or GOOD when i'm looking at myself. well i love all this confession-via-blog. i wonder how online-confessions fit in with our theology at city church....must ask rick & chrissie p about that - bet they'd have an opinion! (just ask them about facebook if you've got a southern minute) : ) okay, really am done for now. over & out.

veering off into new directions...

thanks to my sweet friend mandy, i am resurrecting the blog. i hope to go in a new direction this time around. actually, since my life feels like it's heading somewhere new, the blog will probably follow along just fine.

so i was just in london 2 weeks ago. the trip was amazing. more about that later. for now, i can say this; while there (& since then) i've begun to hear this amazing call to come & die. it sounds a little morose, right? - a little bit like a marytr-complex coming on, but it feels like anything but. i met a few older folks over there (3 couples all in their 70's - 80's), who were broken people that God was doing just amazing things in. it's not like i can pin down exactly what it is that makes them so inviting to be around - what makes people so free to be honest around them - why so much laughter in their circle of friends.... but whatever it is that they have - i want. i listened intently to what made them light up the most (thinking that might be the key to getting "it") suprisingly, what they were most passionate about was the 'come & die' thing. (& my response was; 'what?')

okay, so say that 'coming & dying' IS what has made their lives so powerful and winsome and unlike the lives of most other people I know... what would hold me back from jumping in? well, everything. i LIKE living life my way on my terms. i don't like dying to what you think of me, what i think of me... that damned survival instinct is putting up it's dukes! i do hear the call though. i know it's been quoted so often, but jim elliott said it well; "he (she) is no fool that gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." current status? it feels like the pre-tremors of an earthquake coming on... i don't know where this is all going to lead, but know it is somewhere incredibly hard (impossible, right?) and beautiful. more to come.