confessions of an unforgiving woman

the above picture has little to do with unforgiveness... except that it's a great shot of the "losing" team at a recent shindig. (the winning team has already published their victory photo on facebook - we were, understandably, not so eager to broadcast the outcome). losing to the other team that night was just hilarious fun, but sometimes losing is anything but. and here's the thing; forgiveness and losing can sound about the same to me. what i've been learning in some really amazing ways lately is that that might not be the case....

cut to today: after sitting down to tea, cookies & collared greens with a dear friend, the topic of forgiveness (ever on my mind these days) comes to the forefront again. i have learned so much about this over the past few months. i am the perfect pupil for this subject matter because, as i may have already alluded to in previous blogs, i have years and years of proof of what an unforgiving life looks like. feels like. here's what it feels like: it sucks.

i won't take up the few minutes i have to write this on the many stories of past hurts & all the valid excuses i have to hold on to unforgiveness, but i will say to the person who just HATES this topic; i'm pretty sure i know a little of how you feel! when i was 18 i stood up and walked out of a seminar because the admonition and encouragement to forgive was even mentioned. i have in my repertoire of "flying books" (books i have thrown across the room in a fit of anger), a book about bold love, which detailed the absolute necessity of forgiveness if you want to be healed from your past. i have been forced to sit down as a young girl and to hear from an abusive person from scripture, all the verses about how i would go to hell if i did not forgive him. i am well acquainted with the emotions of deep hatred and aversion to the subject.

but here's what else - i have been freed like nobody's business, and it has all come through the miraculous work of 1. God forgiving me, and 2. Him empowering me to forgive others. it is blowing my mind.

i've been hearing about & experiencing this forgiveness in what feels like every direction, but one that i want to share from recent experience is a class i attended where the guest speaker devoted the entire time to the subject of...you guessed it.

here's the basics;

nina (the woman who spoke that night), had come from a family background that many people i know could relate to. she'd grown up in a christian home where there was some violence & probably some level of physical abuse going on. as kids they were taught about "forgiveness" as something that you had no choice about. you forgave because that was what the bible said to do - end of story.... but what a wacky forgiveness it was!

in her mind, forgiveness meant losing. she thought that her two choices were;

1. unforgiveness (and withholding relationship) or 2. forgive & be abused again.

the problem with unforgiveness in this scenario was that withholding relationship from others resulted in her not developing into the person God made her to be.

so she did what many of us have probably done. she tried to forgive & forget, not realizing that she was stuffing unforgiveness all the while. sure, she was "forgiving" on the outside, but at the same time she was burying unforgiveness on the inside.

thankfully, God stepped in and has started setting the record straight, telling her the truths she had never heard before. truths like:

• i have a God is is out for my good.
• i have a protector.
• i can set godly boundaries (yes, overused term, but it'll have to do for now), and i can discontinue relationship (short-term, like leaving the room, or even long-term). i have choices.

so she proceeds to lay out what she's learned about forgiveness in these past few years. starting with the anatomy of unforgivness. i'll just pass these along to you in bullet-style format:

• unforgiveness starts with an offense we receive. an offense is anything that crosses a boundary we have set up for our protection.
• in response, unforgiveness is a guard we put up to protect ourselves.
• the more often, and the more severely we are hurt, the higher & thicker the walls become.
• as was already mentioned, this approach of self-protection doesn't work, because it blocks the very reason God made us (to love & to be loved).

• 2 ways we can be offended:
  

1. when we're looking to someone else to meet our needs & they fail us. (the problem there being that we're not looking in the right place / have a wrong perspective about God)
2. when someone pokes us in an area that's already wounded (agitating a lie we already believe about ourselves)

• *quick example; in my early 20's i would bristle at any jest that targeted my being spacey or ditsy.... why? because i already knew i could be easily distracted (truth) and "ethereally-minded" (ha!) at times. the real problem, though, was the major lies wrapped all around that true thing. lies like; "spacey people are ridiculous - they deserve ridicule & scorn - they are inferior to other people - they annoy even those who 'have' to love them" - (just to name a few). so when someone would try to joke around with me about this issue, i had this internal inferno spill over in my heart in response. oh,  i'd try to pretend i was cool with it, but it felt like dying on the inside. the jest was hitting a place where i was believing a lot of painful lies... i don't respond the same way now, though. i'm pretty sure it has to do with being freed from believing those lies. the truth remains, but jests about me being "lost bear" and the like, really crack me up now - the sting is gone. and yes, i am "easily distract..."(linda can tell you)
 

• judgement follows close behind unforgiveness, which set's in motion a curse; "you'll be judged as you judge." the way this curse seems to work itself out is twofold; you either become just like the people you can't forgive and/or you become a magnet to that type of personality. (ouch! have definitely seen both)
• walls beget more walls - which go from defensive to offensive ("i'll hurt you before you hurt me " / unhealthy boundaries & anger)
• healthy boundaries are possible when 1. i know who i am, and 2. who God is - not desperate for others to meet my needs.
• unforgiveness takes you onto a path with only one possible destination: hatred- which is the exact opposite of God's character & design for us.
• any offense needs to be forgiven....blazingly important (to me) side-note: any offense; intentional or not, real or not, valid or not - needs to be forgiven!) *i side-step forgiveness all the time by telling myself; "well that's a stupid reason to get mad at someone, julie! you don't even have a leg to stand on." or "you're 99% in the wrong, and their only 1% in" - after hearing nina speak, i can say first hand that forgiving the "stupid stuff" is actually really really freeing!
  
• in nina's ministry of healing prayer, unforgiveness is the #1 sin that they encounter, and forgiveness is the single most freeing thing they've seen a person do.
• during one of their healing prayer sessions with a particular woman (who was struggling with unforgiveness), the woman told nina that Jesus was showing her a picture. it was of a dank, dark, stinky dungeon, and as she looked around she saw in every cell a person she could not forgive. what hit her was that in order to make sure none of them got out of their cell, she had to stand guard at their doors. she was a prisoner in the dungeon too, right along with them. (wow)
• nina also shared some amazing stories that seem to imply that when we forgive a person, we release them to God - and sometimes, without ever knowing about our forgiving them, it can free them to repent. (several stories along this vein - definitely a new thought, but what if it were true?)
• reconciliation was also discussed; forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. (although many would say that it does). reconciliation takes time, and it takes the other person being trustworthy over time.
• just because you forgive doesn't mean that it still won't hurt. if you're still hurting it doesn't necessarily mean that you haven't forgiven. sometimes even after we forgive, there is still deep hurt that we need Jesus to heal. we can ask for this. (for people with a lot of painful experiences in their past, this is really important to hear).
• in the awesome paradox of the gospel, we get to grow up to be little children. as kids we did the best we could to protect ourselves. now that we're adults we can hand the job of protecting ourselves over to Jesus. (isn't that beautiful? - sure is to me)
• don't know if what you are engaged in is discernment or judgement? quick test: discernment brings life. judgement bring death. wait a little and look at the fruit. it'll become clear!
• don't exclude anything God might be bringing up to forgive. (even if it's "again") nina said that when God brings up memories from her past now, that she "bathes everyone in the memory in forgiveness" - awesome.
• at the very end, nina went into what God is calling us to; a lifestyle of constant forgiveness. waking up each day preparing to forgive the offenses that will come. (even "pre-forgiving") she encouraged us all to take this home and start forgiving anything. everything. she gave us a really helpful tool to use in walking through the process of forgiving someone. it sounds a little cheesy, i know. but i've been doing this, and i don't care if it sounds cheesy or not - it works. here's the deal;
  
• you just sit or stand in front of an empty chair and imagine the offending party sitting in it (or in the absence of a chair in the near vicinity, imagine the chair AND the person).
• start with; "so-and-so, i forgive you for.... (and then list every offense! - sometimes this can take quite a while and get a little heated. that's okay - list every single thing you're upset about - valid, real, intentional or not!)
• once the listing of the offenses is done (for the moment), take a minute to say to the person in the chair what you wished had happened instead. ("what i wanted from you was....") *when nina said this in class, i wrote it down, but didn't really understand it. now that i've gone through the process a few times, i find that this is a really healing step to take. i think it's partially a time to grieve the good things that didn't happen or the good things that were taken from us. the benefits to this are twofold; 1. we get to grieve (which is really important in the process of forgiving! often i won't forgive because i don't want to really feel the sadness that's underneath the anger.) and 2. we define the shape of the hole that we are holding up to Jesus to fill. when He does come and fill this, we actually get it, because we have put words to our need.
  
• last step is simple. "so-and-so, because i have been so incredibly forgiven myself, from all the evil in my heart & life, and because Jesus tells me to do so, i forgive you." (one of the word pictures nina used for unforgiveness was that of holding your hands around someones throat. when you forgive, you're releasing the throat of that other person.) when i'm speaking forgiveness over the person in the chair, sometimes i find myself saying "you're free to go! i release you." but the person who's really been released? it's me.
  

a little someone turns 30...

i had so much fun celebrating jina's 30th this past month. it's a neat thing when you start to know someone better than you knew them the year before, and better yet when you find that you enjoy them more. God has given me an excellent roommate & friend in little jins, and i'm grateful. she's an amazing cook, a good process-the-day-with-er, a faithful confidant, and so much more....BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I LOVE HER! sigh. you had to be there. :) i also must admit that i love watching my friends come over to the 30-side of life. it has been so much fun over here, and i'm excited to see them step over, hoping that they too, will get to experience the slower, richer, deeper things in life even more. does any of this even make any sense? it is 11:06pm and my bed is calling. ("i hear you little, bed - i'm coming, i'll be right there!!!) okay, got places to be. over & out.

come & rest...

being with these folks is so much fun....but in a resty sort of way. here's my favorite memory of the weekend at the "gruner grounds" - picture this; i'm standing over my brother in their new livingroom with fiskar scissors in hand giving him a haircut (think of painting a color-by-numbers picture with a huge roller brush...not...too....precise) - susan is playing hymns on her violin and is accompanied by kristina on piano and ld on guitar, and they are rockin out! brian leans over and whispers; "if the muppets were to come to life, i think this is what they'd look like." i burst into laughter because that exact thought had entered my mind not 2 seconds before... it was awesome. seeing the hawks hanging out with all our southern friends & fam was really cool too. they are so fun and adaptable! must have something to do with grace.... well that is all for now. beth p, if you're reading this - i miss you! let's hang out soon.

the circus & the voice of God

went to a class last night in franklin. heard a former trapeze artist/circus owner talk about the voice of God. it was straight forward and pretty profound. to me... he spoke simply but there was a lot of good things - here is the boiled down version;

we can hear the voice of God. we really can.


a few things before step #1)


A. the Holy Spirit won't force you, he leads & guides us. we need to sit still - to be quiet, and to think, with the expecation that the Holy Spirit will guide our thoughts. (you will make mistakes - that's okay! moving towards more intimacy with him is far better that playing it safe and staying a safe distance away.) *another comfort; God will not say anything that doesn't line up with his word.


B. we can expect God to fulfill his promises. the Holy Spirit has promised to speak to us & to reveal the Father to us. without the Holy Spirit (HS), we cannot hear the "more wisdom" that God wants to give us (john 16:7). when the HS comes, we'll be ready (john 16:13). the HS was sent to reveal everything of the Father. some people can't handle this* ( I cor 2:9 *"this" being all the things that God has prepared for those who love him").



C. the problem isn't hearing (he is speaking!); it's like we're radio's that aren't tuned in or turned on. he is speaking, but we are not tuned in to hear. we need to learn the language and to practice, practice, practice. (this required time - committment - again, the HS is not going to force you, he leads & guides)



D. the language of the HS is "to show us"(pictures). over 230 times God reveals through visions & dreams. there is also the parables & the prophets who acted & lived out illustrations for us.


Okay, so about the 7 steps....



step #1. pray: "Holy Spirit, you promised that you would speak to me and reveal the Father to me" *this takes time. listening. if think he is telling you something, write it down (if it is from him, he will confirm it) *just a note; the bigger the revelation, the bigger the fight - and the longer the struggle. expect that and don't be discouraged by it.


step #2. peace: do you have peace with you meditate about it (not that you will constantly feel peace, but are there times when you can, and do?) you can practice what peace feels like and what anxiety feels like (think about God's goodness, his love for you, his acceptance of you...as you meditate and relax in that - notice the peace, then think about dark and difficult situations and things - notice the anxiety)


step #3. the Word: *always use the Word! (John 1:1-3) he will never tell you something that is in conflict with or contradicts his word (Heb 4:12) his word is living *always ask for at least 5 scriptures to confirm the decision - if a big decision, ask for more! then wait without anxiety - it is not your job to go dig through books & scriptures looking for the confirming scriptures - that is the job of the Holy Spirit. just do your regular reading, your daily devotions, etc and wait...


step #4. wise counsel: Proverbs 11:14, 12:15, 13:10, 15:22 (just a few) - *wise counsel is always plural. some terms; knowledge (raw data), understanding (i know how to use the data), wisdom (experience, i am actually doing it). when we seek wise counsel we need to look for a trustworthy person with experience in what we are asking them about. (sometimes he goes to his kids with a question, because they have the most wisdom/experience about the dilema). a spouse should definitely be consulted, but when the decision affects them as well, they cannot be considered your sole "wise counsel" because they are too involved - you both need to get outside counsel about the situation - someone who is not emotionally tied to the decision. *a note about wise counsel; the devil will want to get us to rush to make a decision - God is never in a hurry (unless it's a life/death situation).


step #5. circumstances: (Ephesians - the story about the macedonia trip "wide open door = many adversaries) be wary of circumstances, they can be used by God, but they can also be manipulated by satan and by us. because of this, circumstances (like what seems like an obvious open door or opportunity) should be taken last in the list of 7, and never by themselves! *see #7.


step #6. the supernatural: visions, dreams, trances, angels (can be demonic too* although he's experienced many supernatural experiences that were from God, some of his most intense spiritual experiences were demonic - and so he is not going to base his life on these things!). he did give a great example of how we should deal with supernatural confirmations; he and his wife had felt very stirred up; like they were being prepared to move - he got a call from a man who had met him once at a conference a year or two prior. the man said; "when i shook your hand, i felt like i got a word from the Lord, but that i was not released to tell you about it until now." he asked the man what the word was and the man said; "for some reason, you're supposed to move to nashville." his response? "great! when he tells me, i'll let you know." he then took that to the Lord and started going through these 7 steps. (the Lord eventually did confirm, but his point was that it would not have been wise or obedient for him to take that one "word" and to run with it).


steps #7. timing: timing is crucial. we deal with hours and days - when preparing us for big things, God often deals in decades. how do you find out what the timing is supposed to be? once God has confirmed a decision, you take that and ask "when do you want me to do this?" - and go through steps 1-6 again.

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the main things i took away - expect more. much, much more. ask for more. spend much more time with him in his word and in talking & listening...and then wait for it....wait for it.....

a california nephew

so jins & i were talking last night (exclaiming over the picture linda sent of little jude) - and we were amazed at how much a baby can look so much like one side of the family and so much like the other at the same time. (serously see so much kimmel in jude - and so much whitacre!) you don't really see it until you're looking at a baby & you know both sides of the family really well... what do you think?




(i think he's adorable.) i can't believe that he's finally here. i've heard so many stories throughout this process (thanks to linda & mom) but really miss being there and being a part of this with them. couldn't be more proud of jill & tim for how they have grace for one another & deal with life as a team. missing lil jude SO MUCH already. praying for his life....

sigh.......

well it's just awesome to be an aunt - love that i am also an "a.j." - just like my aunt joyce.


counting the days till thanksgiving!!!!

goodbye to james

last night I walked in to a warm kitchen full of amazing smells (dinner by laura & jina), and to the sight of james...white and quiet at the bottom of his bowl. it was good to have my friends there. i thanked him for being such a good fish - remembered the highlights of his life & how much i enjoyed him. then we poured him into a cup and sang;


this is my Father's world,

and to my listening ears

all nature sings, and round me rings

the music of the spheres.

this is my Father's world:

i rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;

his hand the wonders wrought.

appropriate to remember that God loves his creation and that it is all his. james was over 3 years old. that's a decent lifespan for a fish. thankful that he's not suffering anymore and remembering the good ol' days when he was bright and feisty and friendly and when he'd recognize me (my hair, i think) and come swim over to my edge of the bowl to just watch me & hang out. we were good friends, and i'll miss him.

i don't know if animals go to heaven or not, but if they do - this might be what our reunion looks like (but james is MUCH prettier, and i'm not a boy). i think this fish was so excited to see his old friend that he just bowled him over, and is giving him a great big ol' hello....

old stone fort and young bruised up women...

lots of scrapings and scratches & bruises - but minor. trifling little annoyances in comparison to the amazing experience of waterfalls and blue heron & cliff-jumping & red capped mushrooms on a perfect fall-ish day with a few amazing incredible women by my side.




like proper hobbits, we had TWO scumpcious lunches (3.5 points each - thanks jins). andrea has the best memento; a killer bruise on one knee (seriously worth showing off today andrea - i'd wear shorts!). cliff jumping with kp was a highlight; knot-in-the-stomach scary but so exhilarating once over the edge! into clear deep blue/green water with waterfalls to your right. it was so beautiful.



















just just now i'm reminded of a cliff jump at big sur 6 or 7 years ago; from a higher height - the water a deeper blue - sunlight dusting out hundreds of brilliant winking diamonds across the surface of the water. that one was a hard one to jump, but i was given a picture and a promise just before threw myself over the edge; the deep dark clear water was the symbol of my fear - and jesus was saying; "you can jump right into the center of your fear - i'm already there and i'm going in with you; i will NEVER leave you or forsake you." i had already been sitting there for what seemed like 5 minutes already...trying to calm the freaking-out child within. after that promise i was still scared, but i immediately jumped in with abandon & JOY. it was awesome. he has kept that promise that he whispered to me in a deeper way than i ever dreamed. and i think this is still only the surface.























so the weekend is not even done yet, and i am full of good memories already. i have not even touched on the night before old stone fort - music round the campfire, a man who sings like a girl, the cheese tent (so-bad!), sweet potato pancakes (thanks to sweet tori) & peaches, the maple syrup shortage, the general losted-ness that added many minutes to the trip & much mayhem....

sigh...sometimes it's too much to fit in a blog. suffice to say, it was a wonderful weekend.

remind me to tell you about jazz music and the walking bridge proposal. clumpie's ice cream too...

one last shout-out to the women below (sans jina who is taking the shot);
it was so awesome to hang out with ya'll! remember that skipping rocks does not have to be a competitive sport, although it is much more hilARious when it is. You are all rock-skipping, knee-scraping, cliff-jumping jewels in my book. thanks for sharing your weekend with me.