and they danced like a wave upon the sea

discontented me

2010-07-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

rumbling around in
my disturbed
psyche -
discontent
like the rich buttery
clam sauce
that drenched the
linguini
i finished not
two hours
ago
the richness
of a friends smile
the warmest of blue sky
nights
the topics we
could savor...
decadence
that my unsettled
soul cannot
digest
i watch
as if from outside
the room
puzzling over
what
could be
wrong
and what it is
that could possibly
stop me
from being present
in this
truly fabulous
moment.
wondering and
wishing
that there were some
way
i could
take in
the beauty
of
now.

a roomie

2010-06-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

when i didn’t hear you stir
this morning
at your regularly scheduled
hour
i found myself wondering
what
life would be like
if you suddenly weren’t
there
and what kind of
life insurance
policy
would cover what you do
and who you are to
me
i pictured myself
speaking
to a
bespectacled
insurance agent
watching him
scribble furiously
on his notepad
with a stubby yellow
pencil
while i listed
from where i was perched
in the plastic office chair
across from his desk,
the things i would
be lacking if you
left,
droning on
as if i were
going down a list
of groceries
or errands to
run on the way
home
and then caught myself
puzzling
over how to cover
the way you grin at me
at the end of a long day,
the quiet way you let me
be
when i am not sure how to
be present,
the little acts of kindness;
a load of laundry – unexpectedly
cleaned and laid on my bed,
a note with a hand-drawn little
flower in the corner
of it
perched against the faucet
of my bathroom sink,
a breakfast smoothie
halved with me.
the impromptu
taste tests
comparing brownies
or pickles
or sharp cheddar
cheese
from
kroger
to those from
tj's.
not to mention the times
you remind me of
the truth
about God, grace &
the gospel
like it’s something
so real
you have just finished
eating a meal of it
yourself
and you’ve got leftovers
to share.
it disturbed me so,
i dismissed the
insurance agent
who scurried off -
grateful to have
dodged the bullet
of trying to come up
with anything at all
that could possibly make up for
the loss
of
you.

morning

2010-06-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

heartache
creates such a particlar
sensation
i step outside it for a moment
and
wonder
if this is
what it would feel like
to swallow
an uncomfortable
object made of lead
and to feel it
pulling your stomach to
some place
well beneath your
feet
or to breath in
a noxious fume
that burns and expands
past the boundaries
of your ribcage
once it hits the
bottom of your
lungs -
or to lay in bed while
through an IV
liquid weakness
is pumped
into your
bloodstream
making that roll over to
the side of your bed
this morning
one of the mightiest feats
you have ever
accomplished.
such an unbelievable
achievement,
that having performed it
you look up
half-expecting to see
a small cheering crowd
clustered in a
circle
just past your desk
waving little banners
in a frenzied rush
exclaiming
that they have
never seen
anything
quite this
amazing
before.

taking a break

2010-06-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

poetry has to come from somewhere. sometimes that place becomes elusive - slips down through the cracks of a busy schedule and too many feelings & not enough time to figure them out. so writing this post is an official pause. i liked my earlier stuff better. the flood came and everything felt heavy for a while. not that sad poetry can't be good, but it takes skill greater than mine for it not to get campy. y'know? i'm taking a break from more than just poetry this week. restlessness, hopelessness, fear. it's been a wild ride, but i'm getting off for a while. went to a neighborhood group tonight where we talked about justification. a big long word that sounds so fierce and intimidating - but once you get to know it, is actually the sweetest most consoling and comforting truth you have ever heard. i am so close to grasping a tiny piece of it. just getting close is intense though. probably something akin to standing before Niagra Falls. you know that it is freaking powerful. it could take you down. and you kinda want it to....
this. is. officially. rambling. is there no safeguard on this blog? there should be a built in shield that prevents you from posting things after 11:00pm. you never know what you'll read in the morning. : ) maybe that's part of the fun. what the hay, i'm taking the risk...

one of those

2010-05-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

it is so sweet

to have a

mandy

or a linda

in your life –

to glimpse

them loving a work

as if it were their

own

and to wonder

how it is

they do not

know:

they are poem

itself –

children of that great tribe

whose very way of

life

is the planting of

those seeds of

mercy

and things that stir the

soul within.

the writer - merely a wanderer,

meandering down rows

pulling off great handfuls

of rich, low growing

fruit

and dropping it into the basket

of written word,

that others too

may taste.

about a flood

2010-05-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

my heart so heavy

and yet

too shallow, still…

with its bricks of rue

mortared with self.

such need for a deeper

grief

and true redemption.

come fill me with your perfect

sorrow

one that

does not despair

as it flys downward

into the very

depths

of

loss

with that kernel

of our future

Glory

grasped

in it’s

tiny

determined

fist.

waters

2010-05-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

laughter bursts out in little ripples

through this warm clear

night

quickly

silenced

by the heaviness

of the

dark water

on our streets

in our homes

rising up to claim

illusions of

security,

rest

even life

from within our

midst

with weighted feet

we walk damp

pavement

our sorrow and our love

for this city

muddied and

overflowing

like the waters

from the cumberland

that rise,

and rise

again.

boiler

2010-04-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

that's all it takes

your boiler to break

or some funny noise

to come out of your

car

for you to question

everything

the single life

the career

the waiting for just the right

man

suddenly

the panic of being

alone

and the burden of fixing

broken things

takes you down

the swift and severe

riptide

under the

seeming calm

of a woman on her

own

and you find yourself

glancing through

the church directory

wondering

did i overlook

anyone?

someone i should

really and

truly

reconsider?

missing jude

2010-04-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

how can the memory

of those 2-inch chubby

wrists

seem to lodge

itself

in my throat

like a knot of

unwept silver?

i remember the

weight

of his desire to

see everything

from the vantage point of my

arms

and how his

expression

changing direction

and force

like a wandering summer

breeze

seemed to carry my heart

like a leaf.

whenever he

smiled

i could see the whole earth

under my feet

i was so high.

and when he cried

i felt the

air grow cold

and still

i lay,

low and heavy

waiting for the

next eddy

to lift me up

again.

road trip

2010-04-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

st louis is to me…

laughter in the back seat of a maroon miracle car

avocado’s & blue chips in transit

two clear voices singing

harmony

changing hotel rooms

again

and again

and

again.

dark rain

stormy winds

crawling into tubes

tunnels

laughter and

tornado warnings

sculptures

over my head

strange and

heavy-set

in lush green grass

a frisbee

union station

a floor marbled with light

my quarter losing the race to

a dime

joy in the present

eating this dinner

to the sounds of a crowd

gathered around

for a show about fudge

that trio of balloons

travelling down the busy street

as though it had every right

of a fully-registered vehicle

the bright clock

and the feel of a storm

as we waited for our ride

the walk to the Arch

straight and wide enough for four

through a tunnel of trees

waving their lacy leaves in flurries

against a dark peach ceiling of sky

and then

the Arch;

taller than i could feel

silver and

terrible

in beauty

in height

in simplicity

running to catch up with

my friends

my heart unsettled

by that infinite touch of hard silver

the walk back

arm in arm

and then

camaraderie

exercising in our

pajama’s

pharaoh & the psalms

a sleeping girl

and

rest.

riding

always riding

and always

the Arch

now forever a part of me,

altering everything

just like

the laughter

of the

girl

frisbee & grace in the park

2010-04-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

the silent sound of the glowing green disc coming to rest in your hand
your voice muffled in the darkness and deep grass between us
the story of grace in a desperate full out run - grasping
to bridge the failure -
the lack in me...
and the simple act of watching
without shame
so as to accept the gift
of someone trying so very
hard
to connect...
just for this; that my weakest efforts
would end in
joy.
oh this is grace.
i throw with all the best
intentions
towards my God,
the desire to connect...
and as it spirals
out of control,
exposing the great "i can't"
i'm tempted to look away
from the certain foolish end
of my greatest effort.
but He,
runs with the speed of the light He made,
holding nothing back
as He reaches out...
and
catches it.

nashville

2010-04-16T09:52:00.001-07:00

the city skyline on my left is so fierce

she catches my breath and i try not to hit the car in front of me

beautiful

mesmerized in the sunset reflected off her glass robed

skyscraping contours

i wonder if this is what it feels like

for a man to see a beautiful woman across the room

so distant – unapproachable –

but i am not a stranger to this city,

more like a man who glimpses

a gorgeous woman

who happen to be his wife

through a crowd

he too, must feel the ache

a strange awe

at how others must perceive

this woman

but he knows

what it is, to wander through her alleyways

he knows the smell of the breeze on her side streets

and where the sun hits the busy corners

how that feels on his skin

the sounds of the lunch crowd

dodging tourists in cowboy boots -

how kind and tender she can be

and on a stormy day, how cruel.

billy collins inspires me

2010-04-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

I fall for pieces of them

but never the whole

Brandon's coy smirk...

David's pointed questions,

The boy whose name I don't even

remember;

his brown eyes - the way they

smiled at me.

Even the awkward ones -

Kenneth and his ridiculous

salsa-fighting moves

that made me laugh out loud

as he spun me, without grace, around the room...

Ronald's impulsive adoration

of me

whenever I enter a room he is in.

The married ones too;

The way they love their wives

so well,

and make them beautiful

with their love -

When those men turn and

smile with familial affection at

I become some strange mix

shy and bold;

happy to be one of the

lesser ladies in their life.

Less is still so much

when men know how to love

like that.

They know how to love

one whole woman...

but that is a mystery to me,

because I am still falling

for pieces.

how you got here

2010-02-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

this morning was just the coolest thing ever. went to an early morning women's bible study. i don't know how many of us were packed in there; maybe 30-35? we went around the room and each person told the group the key influences/factors in their coming to Christ. it was amazing to hear how different some of our stories were. i think i love this sort of question anyway. looking back on the people and things that molded and shaped the person you are becoming today. i've done that in the past; listed the top 20 men/women in my life who had were the most influential. the exercise made me realize how much i have to be grateful for. it also makes me realize that our brief seasons in one anothers life may have lasting and permanent benefits. a little scary, no? but also really exciting. so this morning i shared two main influences (dan allender's books & people over 50 who've invested a little time in me)... on the way to work i thought of more. thought i'd list them here so i will have a record of it somewhere. here they are in no particular order. little lights along the dark path that lead me to the one whose changed my world:
* my grandmother reading the narnia series to me via cassette tapes that she'd mail to png. those stories taught me that the magic my heart longed for as a child could be found in Jesus....
* my mother reading john white's "the tower of geburah" series to us kids every night in the village. "hey, you dumb chicken, he who Gaal pardons is pardoned indeed!" still makes me cry every time i think of it.
* c.s. lewis (the great divorce, mere christianity). i saw myself in almost every character...humbling and hopeful....disturbing but inviting..
* a teacher at my high school (gail edoni) who decided to do a little bible study with two of us girls for a term or two. the bible study course we went through opened up scripture as something i could understand and something that could feed my soul if i could just figure out how to tap into it.
* this lively passionate woman who co-lead the middle-school youth group with me (inga odenwald, you know who you are). we went through fosters "celeberation of discipline" - i still remember us all kneeling with the kids in the dark, pouring out our hearts... feeling the Holy Spirit move - all the more powerful to see Him reaching such young people. our times of praying for the group ahead of time were also very intense - i could tell someone was actually there and actually listening....
* my aunt alyce; a very intelligent and thoughtful believer who also happened to love me a whole lot. i couldn't reject all authority because i couldn't deny her love for me was real and seemed to be rooted in her faith.
* my aunt joyce; long-suffering. showed me the tenderness of Christ. i really hadn't experienced a lot of that first-hand before getting to know her.
* friends; bonnie duncan in png, stephanie marshall in college
* my syblings. they have always been beacons of hope and encouragers to follow after the light instead of sucumbing to the hopelessness that seemed so attractive at times.
* michael card's lyrics & music. i used to be terrified of the old testament. he made me see that it was truly a part of the love story.
* tim keller's sermons. so much of my muddled thinking that lead to so much fear was dealt with in those sermons. the marriage series helped me to process a lot of my past family issues that had me stuck.
* grandma nita young. i can't even begin to explain here...
* sonship - and the way it changed ub & aj's lives. no denying that something very powerful was at work in the world.
* crown ministries under the loving leadership of the winters. God's tenderness and faithfulness became very real and the realiziation that the practical implications of believing Him and his word could change my life.
* returning to png after the tsunami hit to help with the rebuilding project (rob carter's incredible belief and support of our family, which was in shambles at the time). definitely a turning point there.
* most recently; aa and my trip to england with world harvest.
* no wait, more recently than that; dr. mory and his wife. their prayers changed something deep in me that needed changing and things haven't been the same since.
* people over 50 are still huge in my life; the punc's are a sweet presence and are constantly singing the siren call of the gospel into my life.
* a group of women i like to call 'my girls'.... calling me out left and right when my life sounds all right but looks all wrong...

wow. it took a LOT of people to get me where i am! i am such a miracle. i bet you are too.

blogs & the bible

2010-02-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

okay, so let me preface this by saying that i know that the bible is powerful, living, food for my very soul..... some mornings, however, it seems like the heaviest thing in the world to open it. this was such a morning. in a dark fog, i sat down at the table to peruse a blog or two - and got caught up in stories of folks just like me; tired, bored, overwhelmed, under-awed... and i heard the themes of redemption in the midst of it. a savior bigger than our restless, drifting hearts. a story being told that captures and overturns every small sorrow and heartache. amazing to me that God can reach me through....a blog. now i am curious to open His word and to draw near to the one who is always drawing near to me.

mining for gold

2010-02-06T14:48:00.000-08:00

at the request of the misisonaries who took over the project of translation in our village when we left, i'm re-visiting memories of the tsunami that hit the village in '98, and writing about how the visit back to PNG the following year has impacted my life. unexpectedly hard. realizing that though the story of redemption is painted in bright colors of suffering, the picture being created is gorgeous. praying for the strenght to embrace the colors, and to let the story unfold. so glad i'm not the author. thankful for the sweet prayer of a sweet friend as i head back in. delving into heaviness knowing that there is gold here.

rainy days & forgetfulness

2010-02-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

today is cold and rainy. i just wrote my mom about how i'm longing for a fireplace & some good book-time. i also copied down this poem for her, because i love it and it makes my heart ache a little in the best sort of way. the title is, i need not mention, is oh-so-applicable to me. thought i'd get that in before anybody else did.

Forgetfulness - Billy Collins

The name of the author is the first to go

followed obediently by the title, the plot,

the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel

which suddenly becomes one you have never read,

never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor

decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,

to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye

and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,

and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,

the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,

it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,

not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river

whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,

well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those

who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night

to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.

No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted

out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

*****************************

sigh. isn't that beautiful? i love how it switches from forgetting things from your lifetime, to forgetting an ancient love song that your heart used to know. it speaks of a feeling of longing for a home you've not yet been to. i believe our hearts "remember" paradise, and life can feel like one long forgetfulness - but one day, we will remember! hope this finds my mom, as well as you all, growing - hopeful - and "remembery" of the truest love-song. i am remembering the sound of tropical rain on a tin roof. my soul takes a deep breath at the echo's of that thunder.

sunny snowy sunday

2010-01-31T13:49:00.000-08:00

i'll upload some pictures of this strange whiteness that covers rooftops and cars and makes this look like a little town in the far north, but for now: just believe me when i say it snowed here in nashville. this morning i shoveled a few inches of it off my car. out there in the sunshine it was actually quite an exhilerating experience. i have a really cool snow scraper, and i have to give that it probably significantly added to the level of enjoyment. i really believe that the right tool can make all the difference in the world. my very limited experience in cooking, haircutting, and minor surgery only confirms this.

a now, without segway of any kind;

Snow Day (Billy Collins)

Today we woke up to a revolution of snow,

its white flag waving over everything,

the landscape vanished,

not a single mouse to punctuate the blankness,

and beyond these windows

the government buildings smothered,

schools and libraries buried, the post office lost

under the noiseless drift,

the paths of trains softly blocked,

the world fallen under this falling.

In a while I will put on some boots

and step out like someone walking in water,

and the dog will porpoise through the drifts,

and I will shake a laden branch,

sending a cold shower down on us both.

But for now I am a willing prisoner in this house,

a sympathizer with the anarchic cause of snow.

I will make a pot of tea

and listen to the plastic radio on the counter,

as glad as anyone to hear the news

that the Kiddie Corner School is closed,

the Ding-Dong School, closed,

the All Aboard Children's School, closed,

the Hi-Ho Nursery School, closed,

along with -- some will be delighted to hear --

the Toadstool School, the Little School,

Little Sparrows Nursery School,

Little Stars Pre-School, Peas-and-Carrots Day School,

the Tom Thumb Child Center, all closed,

and -- clap your hands -- the Peanuts Play School.

So this is where the children hide all day,

These are the nests where they letter and draw,

where they put on their bright miniature jackets,

all darting and climbing and sliding,

all but the few girls whispering by the fence.

And now I am listening hard

in the grandiose silence of the snow,

trying to hear what those three girls are plotting,

what riot is afoot,

which small queen is about to be brought down.

all kinds of milestones

2010-01-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

jina's cottage cheese blueberry pancakes & sweet time with a cous.

today i celebrated another milestone in the journey that God is leading me through. i never knew that growing up would be so much fun. the settling down into deeper pools of "contented restlessness" and having your world expand 100-fold... my body may not be as fast & sleek & as quick to heal as it was 10 years ago (my aching knee reminds me), but in Christ, my senses have come alive, and i can drink in life and taste so many more flavors. imagine if this is only the beginning.....

some of the ladies who helped me celebrate. amazing women, all. bluebird cafe was a bust, but chipotle was open and oh-so-delicious!

can you see me in the background? one of my more attractive poses, i must say. never knew how much fun a girl could have in anthropologie...it's all in the companions you take with you. (i scored)

snow and the new year

2010-01-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

the weather people expected snow, so i did too. it's finally coming, in millimeters vs inches...but still. growing up tropical, i am more amazed than than your average bear with it. hoping for a few more layers before the day is over.... so the new year has started off like a greyhound out of the chute at the racetrack - i'm just now realizing that i'm forgetting to breathe... to rest... to trust. i will try to slow down and reach for his hand. knowing that even though i've run off like a crazy person, that he has not left me. today is a very "missy" sort of day in regards to jude. i wonder what he looks like this week, what he can do now that he couldn't back in november. oh how i love that little guy. i could go on, but i will keep this brief. so that is all for now. happy new year friends. cannot wait to see what our God is going to do with us these next 12 months... knowing him, it will be amazing. cheers -

advent

2009-12-21T17:01:00.000-08:00

waiting for promised freedom... promised joy.... promised life. i am waiting too. the air around me is heavy with suffering and with expectation. i cannot fear the painful loss as one who has no hope. i have hope. not a timid hesitant wimpering clutching at straws. no. it is a fire that all the blackness of death cannot put out or dim. it is bold, beautiful and it shouts a victory cry in the face of what only looks like defeat. it is rooted in my heart, and yet in another world simultaneously. i feel the winds of heavens comfort and cool the burning shame, when the earthly air lies dead and hearse-like all around me. the stirring of something coming that will shake every evil thing free from our spinning child-earth... it is almost here, and through the sheen of tears i see the glimmer of a ray that will widen into the first true day. every fiber aches with the anticipation of an emotion i have never felt. come Lord Jesus.

new favorite song

2009-12-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

gabe introduced me to future of forestry this weekend. http://www.futureofforestry.com/ really amazing group, as everyone reading this may already know - liked all that i heard; my favorite song, though "slow your breath down" (travel two) is this incredible love song from God. here's the words (if you get a chance to listen to the music, though, i wouldn't pass it up). i wonder if emily sees-m. knew these guys at hume lake.... anyways, enjoy!

This chest is full of memories

Of gold and silver tears

I’ll give you more to own than

All of this

And I’ll give you more than years

For you were once a child of innocence

And I see you just the same

Your burdens couldn’t win or

Lose a thing

Oh, I’d tell you once again

But you’re always on the run

Slow your breath down

Just take it slow

Find your heart now, oh

You can trust and love again

Slow your breath down, just take it slow

Find your smile now, oh

You can trust and love again

If you leave I’ll still be close to you

When all your fears rain down

I’ll take you back a thousand times again

I’ll take you as my own

I would sing you songs of innocence

‘Til the light of morning comes

‘Til the rays of gold and honey cover you

In the sweetness of the dawn

But you’re always on the run

You’re not alone

You’re now a part of me

You feel the cure

I’ll feel the toil it brought you

recipe for a great evening

2009-12-18T21:12:00.000-08:00

ingredients:

1 amazing little nephew..... (& parents)
3 cooing aunts and 1 mesmerized uncle.

assemble on nearest available floorspace.
watch hours fly by in a heartbeat.

yield: 7 servings.

oh how i miss this little guy!

confessions of an unforgiving woman

2009-12-12T11:49:00.000-08:00

the above picture has little to do with unforgiveness... except that it's a great shot of the "losing" team at a recent shindig. (the winning team has already published their victory photo on facebook - we were, understandably, not so eager to broadcast the outcome). losing to the other team that night was just hilarious fun, but sometimes losing is anything but. and here's the thing; forgiveness and losing can sound about the same to me. what i've been learning in some really amazing ways lately is that that might not be the case....

cut to today: after sitting down to tea, cookies & collared greens with a dear friend, the topic of forgiveness (ever on my mind these days) comes to the forefront again. i have learned so much about this over the past few months. i am the perfect pupil for this subject matter because, as i may have already alluded to in previous blogs, i have years and years of proof of what an unforgiving life looks like. feels like. here's what it feels like: it sucks.

i won't take up the few minutes i have to write this on the many stories of past hurts & all the valid excuses i have to hold on to unforgiveness, but i will say to the person who just HATES this topic; i'm pretty sure i know a little of how you feel! when i was 18 i stood up and walked out of a seminar because the admonition and encouragement to forgive was even mentioned. i have in my repertoire of "flying books" (books i have thrown across the room in a fit of anger), a book about bold love, which detailed the absolute necessity of forgiveness if you want to be healed from your past. i have been forced to sit down as a young girl and to hear from an abusive person from scripture, all the verses about how i would go to hell if i did not forgive him. i am well acquainted with the emotions of deep hatred and aversion to the subject.

but here's what else - i have been freed like nobody's business, and it has all come through the miraculous work of 1. God forgiving me, and 2. Him empowering me to forgive others. it is blowing my mind.

i've been hearing about & experiencing this forgiveness in what feels like every direction, but one that i want to share from recent experience is a class i attended where the guest speaker devoted the entire time to the subject of...you guessed it.

here's the basics;

nina (the woman who spoke that night), had come from a family background that many people i know could relate to. she'd grown up in a christian home where there was some violence & probably some level of physical abuse going on. as kids they were taught about "forgiveness" as something that you had no choice about. you forgave because that was what the bible said to do - end of story.... but what a wacky forgiveness it was!

in her mind, forgiveness meant losing. she thought that her two choices were;

1. unforgiveness (and withholding relationship) or 2. forgive & be abused again.

the problem with unforgiveness in this scenario was that withholding relationship from others resulted in her not developing into the person God made her to be.

so she did what many of us have probably done. she tried to forgive & forget, not realizing that she was stuffing unforgiveness all the while. sure, she was "forgiving" on the outside, but at the same time she was burying unforgiveness on the inside.

thankfully, God stepped in and has started setting the record straight, telling her the truths she had never heard before. truths like:

i have a God is is out for my good.
i have a protector.
i can set godly boundaries (yes, overused term, but it'll have to do for now), and i can discontinue relationship (short-term, like leaving the room, or even long-term). i have choices.

so she proceeds to lay out what she's learned about forgiveness in these past few years. starting with the anatomy of unforgivness. i'll just pass these along to you in bullet-style format:

unforgiveness starts with an offense we receive. an offense is anything that crosses a boundary we have set up for our protection.
in response, unforgiveness is a guard we put up to protect ourselves.
the more often, and the more severely we are hurt, the higher & thicker the walls become.
as was already mentioned, this approach of self-protection doesn't work, because it blocks the very reason God made us (to love & to be loved).

2 ways we can be offended:

when we're looking to someone else to meet our needs & they fail us. (the problem there being that we're not looking in the right place / have a wrong perspective about God)
when someone pokes us in an area that's already wounded (agitating a lie we already believe about ourselves)

*quick example; in my early 20's i would bristle at any jest that targeted my being spacey or ditsy.... why? because i already knew i could be easily distracted (truth) and "ethereally-minded" (ha!) at times. the real problem, though, was the major lies wrapped all around that true thing. lies like; "spacey people are ridiculous - they deserve ridicule & scorn - they are inferior to other people - they annoy even those who 'have' to love them" - (just to name a few). so when someone would try to joke around with me about this issue, i had this internal inferno spill over in my heart in response. oh, i'd try to pretend i was cool with it, but it felt like dying on the inside. the jest was hitting a place where i was believing a lot of painful lies... i don't respond the same way now, though. i'm pretty sure it has to do with being freed from believing those lies. the truth remains, but jests about me being "lost bear" and the like, really crack me up now - the sting is gone. and yes, i am "easily distract..."(linda can tell you)

judgement follows close behind unforgiveness, which set's in motion a curse; "you'll be judged as you judge." the way this curse seems to work itself out is twofold; you either become just like the people you can't forgive and/or you become a magnet to that type of personality. (ouch! have definitely seen both)
walls beget more walls - which go from defensive to offensive ("i'll hurt you before you hurt me " / unhealthy boundaries & anger)
healthy boundaries are possible when 1. i know who i am, and 2. who God is - not desperate for others to meet my needs.
unforgiveness takes you onto a path with only one possible destination: hatred- which is the exact opposite of God's character & design for us.
any offense needs to be forgiven....blazingly important (to me) side-note: any offense; intentional or not, real or not, valid or not - needs to be forgiven!) *i side-step forgiveness all the time by telling myself; "well that's a stupid reason to get mad at someone, julie! you don't even have a leg to stand on." or "you're 99% in the wrong, and their only 1% in" - after hearing nina speak, i can say first hand that forgiving the "stupid stuff" is actually really really freeing!
in nina's ministry of healing prayer, unforgiveness is the #1 sin that they encounter, and forgiveness is the single most freeing thing they've seen a person do.
during one of their healing prayer sessions with a particular woman (who was struggling with unforgiveness), the woman told nina that Jesus was showing her a picture. it was of a dank, dark, stinky dungeon, and as she looked around she saw in every cell a person she could not forgive. what hit her was that in order to make sure none of them got out of their cell, she had to stand guard at their doors. she was a prisoner in the dungeon too, right along with them. (wow)
nina also shared some amazing stories that seem to imply that when we forgive a person, we release them to God - and sometimes, without ever knowing about our forgiving them, it can free them to repent. (several stories along this vein - definitely a new thought, but what if it were true?)
reconciliation was also discussed; forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. (although many would say that it does). reconciliation takes time, and it takes the other person being trustworthy over time.
just because you forgive doesn't mean that it still won't hurt. if you're still hurting it doesn't necessarily mean that you haven't forgiven. sometimes even after we forgive, there is still deep hurt that we need Jesus to heal. we can ask for this. (for people with a lot of painful experiences in their past, this is really important to hear).
in the awesome paradox of the gospel, we get to grow up to be little children. as kids we did the best we could to protect ourselves. now that we're adults we can hand the job of protecting ourselves over to Jesus. (isn't that beautiful? - sure is to me)
don't know if what you are engaged in is discernment or judgement? quick test: discernment brings life. judgement bring death. wait a little and look at the fruit. it'll become clear!
don't exclude anything God might be bringing up to forgive. (even if it's "again") nina said that when God brings up memories from her past now, that she "bathes everyone in the memory in forgiveness" - awesome.
at the very end, nina went into what God is calling us to; a lifestyle of constant forgiveness. waking up each day preparing to forgive the offenses that will come. (even "pre-forgiving") she encouraged us all to take this home and start forgiving anything. everything. she gave us a really helpful tool to use in walking through the process of forgiving someone. it sounds a little cheesy, i know. but i've been doing this, and i don't care if it sounds cheesy or not - it works. here's the deal;
you just sit or stand in front of an empty chair and imagine the offending party sitting in it (or in the absence of a chair in the near vicinity, imagine the chair AND the person).
start with; "so-and-so, i forgive you for.... (and then list every offense! - sometimes this can take quite a while and get a little heated. that's okay - list every single thing you're upset about - valid, real, intentional or not!)
once the listing of the offenses is done (for the moment), take a minute to say to the person in the chair what you wished had happened instead. ("what i wanted from you was....") *when nina said this in class, i wrote it down, but didn't really understand it. now that i've gone through the process a few times, i find that this is a really healing step to take. i think it's partially a time to grieve the good things that didn't happen or the good things that were taken from us. the benefits to this are twofold; 1. we get to grieve (which is really important in the process of forgiving! often i won't forgive because i don't want to really feel the sadness that's underneath the anger.) and 2. we define the shape of the hole that we are holding up to Jesus to fill. when He does come and fill this, we actually get it, because we have put words to our need.
last step is simple. "so-and-so, because i have been so incredibly forgiven myself, from all the evil in my heart & life, and because Jesus tells me to do so, i forgive you." (one of the word pictures nina used for unforgiveness was that of holding your hands around someones throat. when you forgive, you're releasing the throat of that other person.) when i'm speaking forgiveness over the person in the chair, sometimes i find myself saying "you're free to go! i release you." but the person who's really been released? it's me.

a little someone turns 30...

2009-10-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

i had so much fun celebrating jina's 30th this past month. it's a neat thing when you start to know someone better than you knew them the year before, and better yet when you find that you enjoy them more. God has given me an excellent roommate & friend in little jins, and i'm grateful. she's an amazing cook, a good process-the-day-with-er, a faithful confidant, and so much more....BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I LOVE HER! sigh. you had to be there. :) i also must admit that i love watching my friends come over to the 30-side of life. it has been so much fun over here, and i'm excited to see them step over, hoping that they too, will get to experience the slower, richer, deeper things in life even more. does any of this even make any sense? it is 11:06pm and my bed is calling. ("i hear you little, bed - i'm coming, i'll be right there!!!) okay, got places to be. over & out.

come & rest...

2009-10-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

being with these folks is so much fun....but in a resty sort of way. here's my favorite memory of the weekend at the "gruner grounds" - picture this; i'm standing over my brother in their new livingroom with fiskar scissors in hand giving him a haircut (think of painting a color-by-numbers picture with a huge roller brush...not...too....precise) - susan is playing hymns on her violin and is accompanied by kristina on piano and ld on guitar, and they are rockin out! brian leans over and whispers; "if the muppets were to come to life, i think this is what they'd look like." i burst into laughter because that exact thought had entered my mind not 2 seconds before... it was awesome. seeing the hawks hanging out with all our southern friends & fam was really cool too. they are so fun and adaptable! must have something to do with grace.... well that is all for now. beth p, if you're reading this - i miss you! let's hang out soon.

the circus & the voice of God

2009-10-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

went to a class last night in franklin. heard a former trapeze artist/circus owner talk about the voice of God. it was straight forward and pretty profound. to me... he spoke simply but there was a lot of good things - here is the boiled down version;

we can hear the voice of God. we really can.

a few things before step #1)

A. the Holy Spirit won't force you, he leads & guides us. we need to sit still - to be quiet, and to think, with the expecation that the Holy Spirit will guide our thoughts. (you will make mistakes - that's okay! moving towards more intimacy with him is far better that playing it safe and staying a safe distance away.) *another comfort; God will not say anything that doesn't line up with his word.

B. we can expect God to fulfill his promises. the Holy Spirit has promised to speak to us & to reveal the Father to us. without the Holy Spirit (HS), we cannot hear the "more wisdom" that God wants to give us (john 16:7). when the HS comes, we'll be ready (john 16:13). the HS was sent to reveal everything of the Father. some people can't handle this* ( I cor 2:9 *"this" being all the things that God has prepared for those who love him").

C. the problem isn't hearing (he is speaking!); it's like we're radio's that aren't tuned in or turned on. he is speaking, but we are not tuned in to hear. we need to learn the language and to practice, practice, practice. (this required time - committment - again, the HS is not going to force you, he leads & guides)

D. the language of the HS is "to show us"(pictures). over 230 times God reveals through visions & dreams. there is also the parables & the prophets who acted & lived out illustrations for us.

Okay, so about the 7 steps....

step #1. pray: "Holy Spirit, you promised that you would speak to me and reveal the Father to me" *this takes time. listening. if think he is telling you something, write it down (if it is from him, he will confirm it) *just a note; the bigger the revelation, the bigger the fight - and the longer the struggle. expect that and don't be discouraged by it.

step #2. peace: do you have peace with you meditate about it (not that you will constantly feel peace, but are there times when you can, and do?) you can practice what peace feels like and what anxiety feels like (think about God's goodness, his love for you, his acceptance of you...as you meditate and relax in that - notice the peace, then think about dark and difficult situations and things - notice the anxiety)

step #3. the Word: *always use the Word! (John 1:1-3) he will never tell you something that is in conflict with or contradicts his word (Heb 4:12) his word is living *always ask for at least 5 scriptures to confirm the decision - if a big decision, ask for more! then wait without anxiety - it is not your job to go dig through books & scriptures looking for the confirming scriptures - that is the job of the Holy Spirit. just do your regular reading, your daily devotions, etc and wait...

step #4. wise counsel: Proverbs 11:14, 12:15, 13:10, 15:22 (just a few) - *wise counsel is always plural. some terms; knowledge (raw data), understanding (i know how to use the data), wisdom (experience, i am actually doing it). when we seek wise counsel we need to look for a trustworthy person with experience in what we are asking them about. (sometimes he goes to his kids with a question, because they have the most wisdom/experience about the dilema). a spouse should definitely be consulted, but when the decision affects them as well, they cannot be considered your sole "wise counsel" because they are too involved - you both need to get outside counsel about the situation - someone who is not emotionally tied to the decision. *a note about wise counsel; the devil will want to get us to rush to make a decision - God is never in a hurry (unless it's a life/death situation).

step #5. circumstances: (Ephesians - the story about the macedonia trip "wide open door = many adversaries) be wary of circumstances, they can be used by God, but they can also be manipulated by satan and by us. because of this, circumstances (like what seems like an obvious open door or opportunity) should be taken last in the list of 7, and never by themselves! *see #7.

step #6. the supernatural: visions, dreams, trances, angels (can be demonic too* although he's experienced many supernatural experiences that were from God, some of his most intense spiritual experiences were demonic - and so he is not going to base his life on these things!). he did give a great example of how we should deal with supernatural confirmations; he and his wife had felt very stirred up; like they were being prepared to move - he got a call from a man who had met him once at a conference a year or two prior. the man said; "when i shook your hand, i felt like i got a word from the Lord, but that i was not released to tell you about it until now." he asked the man what the word was and the man said; "for some reason, you're supposed to move to nashville." his response? "great! when he tells me, i'll let you know." he then took that to the Lord and started going through these 7 steps. (the Lord eventually did confirm, but his point was that it would not have been wise or obedient for him to take that one "word" and to run with it).

steps #7. timing: timing is crucial. we deal with hours and days - when preparing us for big things, God often deals in decades. how do you find out what the timing is supposed to be? once God has confirmed a decision, you take that and ask "when do you want me to do this?" - and go through steps 1-6 again.

************************************************************

the main things i took away - expect more. much, much more. ask for more. spend much more time with him in his word and in talking & listening...and then wait for it....wait for it.....

a california nephew

2009-09-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

so jins & i were talking last night (exclaiming over the picture linda sent of little jude) - and we were amazed at how much a baby can look so much like one side of the family and so much like the other at the same time. (serously see so much kimmel in jude - and so much whitacre!) you don't really see it until you're looking at a baby & you know both sides of the family really well... what do you think?

(i think he's adorable.) i can't believe that he's finally here. i've heard so many stories throughout this process (thanks to linda & mom) but really miss being there and being a part of this with them. couldn't be more proud of jill & tim for how they have grace for one another & deal with life as a team. missing lil jude SO MUCH already. praying for his life....

sigh.......

well it's just awesome to be an aunt - love that i am also an "a.j." - just like my aunt joyce.

counting the days till thanksgiving!!!!

goodbye to james

2009-09-11T09:25:00.000-07:00

last night I walked in to a warm kitchen full of amazing smells (dinner by laura & jina), and to the sight of james...white and quiet at the bottom of his bowl. it was good to have my friends there. i thanked him for being such a good fish - remembered the highlights of his life & how much i enjoyed him. then we poured him into a cup and sang;

this is my Father's world,

and to my listening ears

all nature sings, and round me rings

the music of the spheres.

this is my Father's world:

i rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;

his hand the wonders wrought.

appropriate to remember that God loves his creation and that it is all his. james was over 3 years old. that's a decent lifespan for a fish. thankful that he's not suffering anymore and remembering the good ol' days when he was bright and feisty and friendly and when he'd recognize me (my hair, i think) and come swim over to my edge of the bowl to just watch me & hang out. we were good friends, and i'll miss him.

i don't know if animals go to heaven or not, but if they do - this might be what our reunion looks like (but james is MUCH prettier, and i'm not a boy). i think this fish was so excited to see his old friend that he just bowled him over, and is giving him a great big ol' hello....

old stone fort and young bruised up women...

2009-09-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

lots of scrapings and scratches & bruises - but minor. trifling little annoyances in comparison to the amazing experience of waterfalls and blue heron & cliff-jumping & red capped mushrooms on a perfect fall-ish day with a few amazing incredible women by my side.

like proper hobbits, we had TWO scumpcious lunches (3.5 points each - thanks jins). andrea has the best memento; a killer bruise on one knee (seriously worth showing off today andrea - i'd wear shorts!). cliff jumping with kp was a highlight; knot-in-the-stomach scary but so exhilarating once over the edge! into clear deep blue/green water with waterfalls to your right. it was so beautiful.

just just now i'm reminded of a cliff jump at big sur 6 or 7 years ago; from a higher height - the water a deeper blue - sunlight dusting out hundreds of brilliant winking diamonds across the surface of the water. that one was a hard one to jump, but i was given a picture and a promise just before threw myself over the edge; the deep dark clear water was the symbol of my fear - and jesus was saying; "you can jump right into the center of your fear - i'm already there and i'm going in with you; i will NEVER leave you or forsake you." i had already been sitting there for what seemed like 5 minutes already...trying to calm the freaking-out child within. after that promise i was still scared, but i immediately jumped in with abandon & JOY. it was awesome. he has kept that promise that he whispered to me in a deeper way than i ever dreamed. and i think this is still only the surface.

so the weekend is not even done yet, and i am full of good memories already. i have not even touched on the night before old stone fort - music round the campfire, a man who sings like a girl, the cheese tent (so-bad!), sweet potato pancakes (thanks to sweet tori) & peaches, the maple syrup shortage, the general losted-ness that added many minutes to the trip & much mayhem....

sigh...sometimes it's too much to fit in a blog. suffice to say, it was a wonderful weekend.

remind me to tell you about jazz music and the walking bridge proposal. clumpie's ice cream too...

one last shout-out to the women below (sans jina who is taking the shot);
it was so awesome to hang out with ya'll! remember that skipping rocks does not have to be a competitive sport, although it is much more hilARious when it is. You are all rock-skipping, knee-scraping, cliff-jumping jewels in my book. thanks for sharing your weekend with me.

about prayer & your whole freakin life changing...

2009-08-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

the few notes i took from dr. m_'s talk at s___ a few weeks back:

The general topic being addressed at the Friday morning presentation was "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in Refugees."
The regular staff there at S__ presented 3 "typical" cases. One of these was the story of a man whose chief complaint was a hurt knee. The man's knee had become injured when he jumped from a truck of men that had been rounded up to be tortured & killed.
The general question being posed was; 'how do we deal with the deeper spiritual pain & trauma when patients are coming to us with manifestations of it that are coming out physically?' (Some of the patients have very severe pain that can't be explained medically, but are unwilling or unable to talk about the emotional or spiritual roots of the problem)
Dr. M__ first asked; "How do you at Siloam prepare yourselves each day to deal with this? He went on to talk about soaking in the love of Christ every morning for ourselves so that we can have something to give. (It's only as we are loved...)
He then said; "We want to tell them; 'Just because you made a mistake, it doesn't mean you are a mistake. God doesn't know you by your history, but He knows you by your destiny.'
Many of these people have a condition called alexithymia (? maybe? something about a lack of words for emotional issues) - in childhood or these traumatic situations when they have expressed pain, they have been ignored or shamed. Because of this they don't deal in the emotional realm - they can only express pain in physical terms - they have so many levels of defense, it's hard to get down to what is really going on. It takes a while to know they can trust you & get down to the real issues. (Many patients are afraid that if they talk about the horror/abuse that happened in their home country that they will be deported or "turned in." - They have to be assured that the staff is not going to send them back - doesn't even have the power to and has no desire to.)
Somebody there expressed some frustration at this point and said; "It's hard when we have so little time with them; I mean, how much can you do in 15 minutes with these people who have been so badly hurt?" Dr. M__ responded with; "15 minutes with you, Peace, and the Spirit of God can do more than you know!" and added "I love it when people let God do the healing. We are there to tell the truth; there is one who can save, heal & deliver!
The enemy has been telling them lies from the beginning; "You'll never be safe - you'll never have peace - and even when you DO get hurt, it's your own fault - you deserve it anyway." We are here to tell them; "You're here for a purpose: God brought you here, and when you're ready, the healing will come. Even you thinking about this is a sign that you're getting ready...."
Then the discussion turned to the practical realm of the clinical/available approaches for PTSD (when the patient comes to the place where they are ready to talk about it):
1. The regular PTSD Therapy. (When asked; "how important is it that the person providing this therapy be a believer?" Dr. M__ responded; "that falls under general blessing; it's pretty straightforward, so you want someone who is skilled in it - not necessarily a believer.") On the other hand;
2. SOZO/Inner Healing Prayer (Salvation Healing or Deliverance). This second approach WOULD require the people leading the patient through this to be lead themselves by the Holy Spirit. In this method, 2-3 people are trained to go through this with 1 person (patient).
The jist of it, as Dr. M__ described it, was that these 2-3 people are there to help the person get down to the root lies that Satan has been telling them, to speak God's truth into that, and to invite Jesus to come in and to heal. It's "inviting them to participate in their own healing." Mostly it's about letting Jesus do the healing, though. It's not super-complicated, but very effective. When people feel forgiven, they are free to FORGIVE, which releases so much!
Even PTSD counselors will tell their patients; "Forgiving is optional - it's nice, but it's not crucial." Dr. M__ disagrees - he says; "when people start being able to forgive, then they experience all kinds of freedom - that's when you see people not needing their medications anymore - it's so powerful!"
He talked about the importance of both of these methods being used in tandem, and added; "counseling is good, but Inner Healing Prayer can go even deeper!

so just a little on my thoughts afterwards; i was so excited! i would LOVE to be part of this. partly on a purely selfish level - (who doesn't want more healing?), and then also to be able to participate with the healing of others. it is amazing to think of the combination of two things i feel so passionate about; counseling & prayer. the thought of God using my skills & desires NOW, in a simple and humble setting, instead of having to wait for 5 or 6 years down the road when i've finally got a counseling degree is just...awesome. i don't know if He WILL call me into this or not, but it is such a hopeful thing to realize that He can do unexpected and delightful things with my life. and i'm out...

there's a story

2009-08-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

if you haven't already heard the story about prayer & me, just ask me. i think it's pretty amazing. what i can say here, though, is that the image of Jesus as our older brother (Romans 8:29 "For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." and Hebrews 2:11 "For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers.") has been a powerful picture. I have trouble sometimes with the picture (although it is beautiful) of God as my father... lots of confusion around that one. but Jesus as my older brother is...! here's what it shows me; he is not have unloving & unattainable goals for me. he's been everywhere i have. he's not 'lording over me' but he loves to have me around. he's a protector (sibling's were the protectors in my family growing up). he is beside me but has gone before me and tested the waters, so when he calls me out to come play with him in the deep - he's aware of my fear, my limitations, but also knows that i can DO it! he does not condemn me. does anyone else hear how RADICAL this is? i do not condemn me, because he does not condemn me. thankful for the love of earthly brothers that prepared the way for me to accept the love of Christ in a life-altering kind of way. thankful for healing... thankful that i do not ever have to be alone again.

so what should i pick up but bonhoeffer...

2009-08-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

so i picked up a book off my cousin's bookshelf the other day. 'life together' by dietrich bonhoeffer. start reading through the intro and on page 8 stumble across; "when Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die." i'm only 50 pages in right now, but have already read so much that makes me wish i could sit down with someone else whose reading it and ask what they think about some of these things....some of the highlights so far; (picture below is...you guessed it...dietrich b.)

re: motives for community (pg 17): it is not simply to be taken for granted that the christian has the privilege of living among other christians. Jesus Christ lived in the midst of his enemies. at the end all his disciples deserted him. on the cross he was utterly alone, surrounded by evildoers & mockers. for this cause he had come, to bring peace to the enemies of God. so the christian, too, belongs not in seclusion of a cloistered life but in the thick of foes. there is his commission, his work. "the Kingdom is to be in the midst of your enemies. and he who will not suffer this does not want to be of the Kingdom of Christ; he wants to be among friends, to sit among roses and lilies, not with bad people, but the devout people. o you blasphemers and betrayers of Christ! if Christ had done what you are doing who would ever have been spared?" (Luther). (how does that apply to us here in east nashville? surely i do this all the time - strive to sit exclusively among all you roses & lilies...) and yet...(pg 19): the physical presence of other christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer...the believer feels no shame, as though he were still living too much in the flesh, when he yearns for the physical presence of other christians...the prisoner, the sick person, the christian in exile sees in the companionship of a fellow christian a physical sign of the gracious presence of the triune God.

re: our new reality (pg 22): first the christian is the man who no longer seeks his salvation, his deliverance, his justification in himself, but in Jesus Christ alone. he knows that God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him guilty, even when he does not feel his guilt (italics mine), and God's Word in Jesus Christ pronounces him not guilty and righteous, even when he does not feel that he is righteous at all (again, italics mine). the christian no longer lives of himself, by his own claims and his own justification, but by God's claims and God's justification. he lives wholly by God's Word pronounced upon him, whether that Word declares him guilty or innocent. (1 Corinthians 4:3, paul writes; "i care very little if i am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, i do not even judge myself." - how unatural! to be freed from your own opinion of yourself and to let Jesus/the Word be the only judgement that you listen to. not easy though - as it is not a less serious judgement - it is MORE serious - but because of Jesus' blood & righteousness, there is not longer any condemnation... is anyone else feeling a little confused?)

re: why we need one another (pg 22): therefore, the christian needs another christian who speaks God's Word to him. he needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth. he needs his brother man as a bearer and proclaimer of the divine word of salvation. he needs his brother soley because of Jesus Christ. the Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother's is sure. (why it is not always enough for me to preach the gospel to myself....)

re: ideal vs. divine reality (pg 26): (this whole section is amazing - here's a snip); just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by a great disillusionment with others, with christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves. (reminds me of many of craig's sermons...)

re: spiritual vs human reality (pg 31): (another excellent read); human love has little regard for truth. it makes the truth relative, since nothing, not even the truth, must come between it and the beloved person. human love desires the other person, his company, his answering love, but it does not serve him. on the contrary, it continues to desire even when it seems to be serving...but where it can no longer expect its desire to be fulfilled, there it stops short-namely, in the face of an enemy. there is turns to hatred, contempt, and calumny (had to look this up; slander; defamation). right here is the point where spiritual love begins. this is whey human love becomes personal hatred when it encounters genuine spiritual love, which does not desire but serves...spiritual love, however, comes from Jesus Christ, it serves him alone; it knows that it has no immediate access to other persons. (again - mine) Jesus Christ stands between the lover and the others he loves... (picture this - it's a wild image, especially if you start looking at your regular daily interactions with the people around you) ...because spiritual love does not desire but rather serves, it loves an enemy as a brother. it originates neither in the brother nor in the enemy but in Christ and his Word...(pg 39); through him alone do we have access to one another, joy in one another, and fellowship with one another.

that is just the beginning... far to much i realize now; as i read i'm tempted to type the whole book (122 pgs) on my blog. that is just too much. and probably a violation of some copyright laws to boot. has anyone read this recently? let me know. lunchtime over & now back to work. ciao!

birthday tea

2009-08-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

oops, i forgot to post some picture of my fabulous birthday tea part. thanks to punky & cwog & kp & jina & andrea, it was an entertaining & tasty time... didn't they set an amazing spread? it made turning 36 downright fun. : )

if i'm lucky, before 10...

2009-08-13T19:17:00.001-07:00

the people who know me best are not at ALL surprised that this is one of my favorite poems. (but if you do commit to slog all the way through it, do yourself a favor and read it out loud -it's so much better that way):

the sleep

Of all the thoughts of God that are
Borne inward unto souls afar,
Along the Psalmist's music deep,
Now tell me if that any is,
For gift or grace, surpassing this--
'He giveth His beloved, sleep'!

What would we give to our beloved?
The hero's heart to be unmoved,
The poet's star-tuned harp, to sweep,
The patriot's voice, to teach and rouse,
The monarch's crown, to light the brows?
'He giveth His beloved sleep.'

What do we give to our beloved?
A little faith all undisproved,
A little dust to overweep,
And bitter memories to make
The whole earth blasted for our sake.
He giveth His beloved sleep.

"Sleep soft, beloved!" we sometimes say,
But have no tune to charm away
Sad dreams that through the eyelids creep.
But never doleful dream again
Shall break the happy slumber when
He giveth His beloved sleep.

O earth, so full of dreary noises!
O men, with wailing in your voices!
O delvèd gold, the wailers heap!
O strife, O curse, that o'er it fall!
God strikes a silence through you all,
He giveth His beloved sleep.

His dews drop mutely on the hill;
His cloud above it saileth still,
Though on its slope men sow and reap.
More softly than the dew is shed,
Or cloud is floated overhead,
He giveth His beloved sleep.

Ay, men may wonder while they scan
A living, thinking, feeling man,
Confirmed in such a rest to keep;
But angels say, and through the word
I think their happy smile is heard,--
'He giveth His beloved sleep.'

For me, my heart that erst did go
Most like a tired child at a show,
That sees through tears the mummers leap,
Would now its wearied vision close,
Would childlike on His love repose,
Who giveth His beloved sleep.

And, friends, dear friends,--when it shall be
That this low breath is gone from me,
And round my bier ye come to weep,
Let one, most loving of you all,
Say, "Not a tear must o'er her fall--
'He giveth His beloved sleep.'"

(okay, love the poem, except the part about being all stoic at a funeral. I just don't think so...if you come to mine someday though, just know i am a happy, happy girl...finally catching up on some of that guiltless, untroubled rest...zzzzzzzzz)

long, long way

2009-08-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

small town poets have a song called long, long way. i sing it like a prayer sometimes... for myself and for the people in my life who, like me, are so very very much a long long way away, and yet not that far at all from the one who loves them.

(jina i miss you and i stole this flower from you - i'll replace it when you come home and help me find a new pic)

This is the hard part
Stopping to ask for directions
Sketching with these dirty colors just where I am

You might have heard me
Artfully dodging the buzz words
Scoffing at your insinuation
Of just where I am

I'm a long long way
From where I left to begin this refrain
From where Your mercy and grace remain
From where you sit is it true
It's not that far to You

It happened slowly
Feet falling hard on the pavement
Eyes reaching into the distance
Toward empty sunsets

Didn't I need to break out, want to be king
Wouldn't I face the gallows if I return
Or is a man freely pardoned
As I have heard

Precious Jesus
Where can I flee from Your Spirit
You know me too well.

i want a blog that doesn't sound like me

2009-08-12T11:05:00.001-07:00

speaking of 'dying to self' - i just read the last post, and thought; sheesh, why can't this blog to be less serious and dramatic and...intentional. (& why can't it just be hilarious like Linda's blog)... then i just laughed, because i AM all of those things and i don't always like that. dying to self. letting God take who i really am (not who i wish i was) and doing whatever....He....wants. (but what if He wants me to be MORE serious and dramatic and hokey?). what do i really believe about who God is, right? my fear exposes that i don't make Him out to be all that swell or powerful or GOOD when i'm looking at myself. well i love all this confession-via-blog. i wonder how online-confessions fit in with our theology at city church....must ask rick & chrissie p about that - bet they'd have an opinion! (just ask them about facebook if you've got a southern minute) : ) okay, really am done for now. over & out.

veering off into new directions...

2009-08-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

thanks to my sweet friend mandy, i am resurrecting the blog. i hope to go in a new direction this time around. actually, since my life feels like it's heading somewhere new, the blog will probably follow along just fine.

so i was just in london 2 weeks ago. the trip was amazing. more about that later. for now, i can say this; while there (& since then) i've begun to hear this amazing call to come & die. it sounds a little morose, right? - a little bit like a marytr-complex coming on, but it feels like anything but. i met a few older folks over there (3 couples all in their 70's - 80's), who were broken people that God was doing just amazing things in. it's not like i can pin down exactly what it is that makes them so inviting to be around - what makes people so free to be honest around them - why so much laughter in their circle of friends.... but whatever it is that they have - i want. i listened intently to what made them light up the most (thinking that might be the key to getting "it") suprisingly, what they were most passionate about was the 'come & die' thing. (& my response was; 'what?')

okay, so say that 'coming & dying' IS what has made their lives so powerful and winsome and unlike the lives of most other people I know... what would hold me back from jumping in? well, everything. i LIKE living life my way on my terms. i don't like dying to what you think of me, what i think of me... that damned survival instinct is putting up it's dukes! i do hear the call though. i know it's been quoted so often, but jim elliott said it well; "he (she) is no fool that gives up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose." current status? it feels like the pre-tremors of an earthquake coming on... i don't know where this is all going to lead, but know it is somewhere incredibly hard (impossible, right?) and beautiful. more to come.

2000 and 9

2009-01-03T06:06:00.000-08:00

2009:

(goals - following jin's marvelous example)

take one photography road trip (no destination in mind - just following photo ops for a weekend)

start school (at least one class a semester)

sell some of my crafts (cards, furniture, wall hangings, ornaments, whatever!) at a local market/show here in nashi

ok, that's three. a goodly number i think.

over and out and off to live 2009. see ya'll soon!

christmas at vanderbilt

2008-12-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

christmas in the hospital is quite the affair! so many people came this morning with food, danishes & coffee, lunches, candy & the like to share with patients, families and employees. it was sweet really. i'm thankful that no one in my family is on the trauma unit this christmas - after seeing so many families there with a loved one who's not doing so well, it makes me grateful that even though i can't be with them all, that all the people i love most are walking around on their two legs and healthy. wow; it is such a gift! merry christmas to my family - in chattavegas and my special place. (eep!) speaking of trauma, though; james-the-fish is not well. if there were an icu for fish, i would put him on it. if you have any last words for him, please send quickly. email will work. i will read all his mail to him. sigh. that is all. more postings when i get home.

christmas pics

2008-12-23T02:09:00.000-08:00

i will not get to give stacey her christmas thumping in the early morning hours - linda; please try!

i guess the "ugly" in "ugly christmas sweater party" need really not be mentioned.....

jins & i at her christmas party. i don't know how to crop jins - need help!

arts & crafts nashville style

2008-12-21T07:16:00.001-08:00

so we have some fantastic street markets/shows here in nashville. the last few i've been to, it's been a definite exercise in willpower to keep my cash in my wallet. the creativity & beauty that people can make out of the simplest and most random stuff! (check out kellerblue.etsy.com or www.FringeLore.com for just a few examples) i really miss my mom and sister when i'm at these places, as i know how much they'd love to see it all, and how much fun we'd have people-watching & and stashing away ideas for later...i hear myself parroting my mother (whom I would always tease for saying so); "i could make that!" (i would always say to her, and say so to myself; "Yes, but will you?) ahhh, but the answer is not always no. i just bought a small, odd-shaped little mirror from the thrift store last week for my room - it just needs some weird pretty stuff glued and nailed on to become the masterpiece it longs to be. i will help it get there. the mirror cost me $1.50. the art supplies might come to $5 (mostly I just need modge-podge). the random little stuff i'm putting on (little pieces of watches, old looking lace, a button or two, scraps from magazines): free. It amazes me how much joy I get out of creating something from almost nothing. perhaps i am, indeed, made in my Master's image.... so i paste, pound and snip away. with much joy, and a little sadness at the realization that i cannot share this fun with the ladies in my life who have been so instrumental in fostering creativity in me. thanks ladies! you know who you are. (but just in case you don't; one of your name starts with "l" and the other mistakenly believes 'ice weasels' are dirty). to anyone who thinks there are not enough pictures on this blog - you are right! pictures are a-comin...

ode to a dog

2008-12-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

i love dogs. these two little chubbers are from grandma hawk ("miss margaret")'s house. taffy on the left and bear on the right. they are hilarious together. i have several dogs i borrow in the absence of my own; harley-the-english-bulldog is one. he lives in the pet shop underneath our condo and takes me on walks around the neighborhood. during these outings i try to pretend that it is actually me taking him on a walk, but this is not usually the case. (caesar chavez would probably chide me in this relationship - i am definitely not the leader of the pack!)...everybody in the hood recognizes harley though and just adores him, though he looks like he could eat you (and if you happen to be a small child',s toy; he will!). when he sees me come in, he will run up to meet me and bring little things to show me. it's so funny to watch the mafia don of dogs trying to frisk around like a little poodle. he does it badly and i love him all the more for it.

ellie (possibly sweetest dog and bestest, leastest annoying of all small canines) & i have 'spend the nights' when her parents are out of town. she is like a real grown up dog but in the tiniest body ever. whenever you talk to her she cocks her head to the side and listens attentively. she is very affectionate and loves to run at high speeds around her parents (ruthie & will)s' beautiful home. i can't help but laugh when i'm around her.

cutie pie (also pet shop owner's dog) is for yapping back at. she's even tinier than ellie, a mere wisp of a dog. at first she was very threatened by harley's very assertive and 'taking over' sort of friendship with me, but now she knows she also has a place in my life and my lap. she'll run right up when i come into pampered paws and curl up in my lap and just sit there quietly.... sigh. i am ready for a dog, God. really i think i am. patiently waiting. love julie

things you would tell your mother

2008-12-17T07:18:00.000-08:00

so this is funny, starting a blog for your mom. i wonder how many people have done that. i wonder what those people are like! scary thought... i guess this isn't all that different from sending out a mass e-mail to the family; except you're not forcing it on anyone. okay, so some people would have to edit quite a bit if they were to blog, knowing their mom's would be reading it. i, fortunately or not-so-fortunately, have no such reservations. i think this is because 1. my mom already knows a lot of crazy stuff about me, and 2. i love to shock her. mabye instead of toning things down, i'll purposely spice things up. "the secret life i wish i lead." this could be fun.